hope deferred

the writer of the Psalms says that "hope deferred makes the heart sick." my favorite author, perhaps more accurately, says that disappointment feels to her as if she took a swift kick to the stomach. {sigh} it's been that kind of a week.

let me start at the {semi} beginning. about a month ago, i took a new position with my agency with high hopes of this being a rewarding, challenging, growing job. this was especially exciting since my job last year - my first post-graduate school job as a real counselor - left much to be desired. oh, and i should mention at the outset that me getting this job was pretty much the reason we decided {and were able} to stay in charlottesville. big decision, lots of things seemed to really be falling into place. i was excited.

and then, my job description changed to take me off of the crisis intervention team to be an "independent assessor" with the task of helping prevent Medicaid fraud. also, during the first week of the assessment center being open we had exactly ZERO appointments. none. then one of my co-workers resigned. bleh. let's just say, i felt discouraged like a punch in the stomach. WHAT IS THE POINT HERE?!

I'd like to say there's a happy ending here, but at this point nothing at work is changing and so that leaves me to walk this road right now. and i wonder, what does it look like to be a hopeful, life-giving woman in the midst of disappointment? to be freed from bitterness, resignation, and constant frustration?

to begin with, i believe that remaining a soft, hopeful woman requires honesty with ourselves about where the disappointment is coming from and the longing that is underneath it. not like "my boss is terrible and work sucks and now my life is miserable." instead, i think our hearts need to reflect something along these lines: "gosh, i feel so let down. i desire for my work to be meaningful - to build relationships and participate in the restoration of people's lives. i've worked hard for my education and in past work experiences to have positive opportunities, and i hoped this job would be a space to grow and help others as a counselor. it is so sad that things have changed and that right now, my job is not only unsatisfying but also doesn't have much purpose or meaning. i want so much more."

it's taken me a few weeks to utter those words, and even so, i keep having to remind myself of this to get out of self-pity and frustration. so now what?

this is the part i'm still learning and figuring out. it will {hopefully} look like lots of prayerful moments seeking the face of the One who alone can satisfy my heart more than the perfect job ever could. it will include asking the Father for enough trust to believe that He fully knows and cares for me and the desires I have for a meaningful vocation and will provide a means to live out those desires. and in this time, i hope to have eyes to see and soak in the beauty and truth and love around me to carry me through this disappointment.

this daily bread looks like lots of different things. this week, it's included holding a dear friends 2-day old daughter and marveling at her toes and nose and at the strength of her mother; encouraging words from a friend; seeing a rainbow {yes, cheesy example - but it was so neat!} on the way to hang out with some amazing ladies; laughing with a coworker; and hanging pictures in our house. these are my invitations to remember God's faithful and strong love and that one day i'll experience the fullness of His love and beauty.

and until then, i will hope.

katie anne